Now that I’ve recently become a parent, I’ve thought a great deal about what I’m supposed to be doing. What is my role as a Christian parent? What is my primary task? My anxiety increased every time I thought about the significance of my new role. This truly is a significant task with serious consequences if it’s not done as God desires. Kent Hughes paints the picture well in his book, Disciplines of a Godly Man. Hughes says:
…Our society is awash with millions of daughters pathetically seeking the affection their father never game them – and some of these daughters are at the sunset of their lives. In the extreme, there are myriads of sons who were denied a healthy same-sex relationship with their father and are now spending the rest of their lives in search of their sexual identity via perversion and immorality.Ephesians 6:4 is often quoted by Christians when talking about parenting, and it’s been that way since the letter was written. Early church fathers like Ignatius, Polycarp, and John Chrysostom quoted this verse as they gave their instruction to parents. It’s one of the clearest statements in the New Testament for what Christian parents should do with their children. As you look at the verse, it’s easily divided into two main statements, a prohibition and then a command. Or maybe a better way to put it is first it tells us what parents shouldn’t do, then it tells us what parents should do. And even though they may look like two separate tasks, they really involve two sides of the same coin, two aspects of one primary task.
Men, as fathers you have such power! You will have this terrible power till you die, like it or not – in your attitude toward authority, in your attitude toward women, in your regard for God and the Church. What terrifying responsibilities! This is truly the power of life and death.
For these reasons we live in a time of great social crisis. Whole segments of our society are bereft of male leadership. At the other end of the scale, there are strong men who give their best leadership to the marketplace, but utterly fail at home. We are the men! And if God’s purpose does not happen with the sons of the Church, it will not happen.
Men, there are few places where sanctified sweat will show greater dividends then in fathering. If you are willing to work at it, you can be a good father. If you are willing to sweat, you will see abundant blessing.
Helpfully, God’s Word provides us with an outline for a fatherly workout – in one pungent sentence: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4)…(pg. 47)
Before we look at the first aspect of our primary task as Christian parents, you’ll notice that Paul uses the word Fathers. In 6:1, Paul used the word parents, and the command in verse two mentioned both fathers and mothers. So why does he switch here, and what does that mean for mothers? If you looked at the immediate context, you’d notice that Paul is teaching on relationships within households. In chapter five, he looked at wives and husbands, and after verse four, he’ll turn to slaves and masters, a common feature of households in Paul’s day. In each case he begins with the deferential role and then turns to those in leadership. In verses 1-3, Paul begins with children in relation to their parents, but in verse 4 he turns specifically to fathers. Now it’s true that the plural fathers could be used to speak of both parents in Greek, but I think it's significant that he doesn’t continue to use the term he used in verse one. I think it's more than a random variation. It’s not that Paul is no longer addressing mothers. Mothers have a share in this responsibility, but Paul is deliberately emphasizing the father’s role. Fathers have an even greater responsibility as head of the home. So Paul emphasizes fathers here because at the end of the day fathers are the ones God holds accountable for their homes. That doesn’t mean that mothers can turn their brains off at this point. This teaching is relevant to mothers as well even though it’s directed primarily toward fathers. I’ll continue to refer to parents rather than just fathers because of its relevance to both, but fathers should pay special attention. This is primarily to you and secondarily to mothers.
We’ll begin as Paul does with what parents shouldn’t do. Paul says: “…do not provoke your children to anger…” (ESV). The statement is fairly straightforward in one sense. It means “don’t make your children angry,” but does that mean never under any conditions cause your children to become angry? That’s the parenting technique of many today, but is that what Paul is advocating here? I think comparing the parallel teaching in Paul’s letter to the Colossians is helpful in understanding what Paul is really saying. Paul wrote Colossians at about the same time as Ephesians. Their content is very similar. The parallel teaching in Colossians is translated simply as: “…do not provoke your children…” (Col 3:21a ESV). The word translated provoke here is different than the one in Ephesians. The word here is used to convey the idea of causing someone to be resentful. Colossians adds a second statement that says, “…lest they become discouraged” (Col 3:21b ESV).” This statement explains what could happen if you do cause that bitterness and resentment. The child could become discouraged and give up. The main idea then is not to make sure your child doesn’t ever get angry but to be sure you’re not discouraging them by driving them unnecessarily to bitterness and anger.
Now I think there’s more to this statement, and we’ll see that when we look back at the teaching that led to this verse. Chapter four begins the second half of this letter and let’s us know what this half of the letter is about. Ephesians 4:1 says: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called” (ESV). Chapters 1-3 explained that calling, the actions of God in Christ to save these new believers, and now Paul is turning to explain the behavior that results from that calling. This is the new way that God expects you to live in light of the salvation He’s accomplished for you in Christ. He pictures this behavior as walking. He says this new behavior involves walking in manner that’s worthy of your call to salvation. Then in verse 17, he explains a contrast. This new behavior means not walking like the Gentiles (or unbelievers). In other words, this new behavior must be different than the way unbelievers behave. When we get to chapter five, Paul says that this new life in Christ means walking wisely, which involves understanding the Lord’s will. Paul clarifies what living according to the Lord’s will means in verse 18, which talks about not getting drunk and living wildly but being filled with the Spirit. This is Spirit-directed living. Paul refers to the same idea in Romans 8, but calls it living by the Spirit. It means the Spirit’s influence has invaded your life, and you’re now letting Him direct you to imitate God’s very character (cf. 4:20-24; 5:1). He goes on to describe this Spirit-filled life in verses 19-21, and says that it includes singing, giving thanks, and submitting to one another. This last statement of the Spirit-filled life, submitting to one another, is what heads up the relationships that Paul goes on to discuss. As he looks at roles in the household that require submission—wives, children, and slaves, he is quick to add the Spirit-filled actions of the person in authority—husbands, parents, and masters. The Greek term for submission wouldn’t have been used to describe the manner in which those in authority exercise their authority (I changed my thinking here due to P. T. O’Brien’s convincing argument on pages 399-404 of his commentary on Ephesians). However, in his letter to the Philippians, Paul clearly commands all believers to consider others as more important than themselves (Phil 2:3), which would clarify Spirit-filled actions as well.
This context explains why parents are not to provoke their children to anger. In the ancient world, fathers were in absolute authority. In the days before Paul lived, Roman fathers had the right to kill their children without repercussions. Even in Paul’s day, the father determined whether or not his new born child lived or died. The father’s authority could be described as an authority of life or death. It’s easy to see how that kind of freedom could bring about harsh parenting. Without any real oversight—no police or government carefully watching for abuse, fathers held an unbelievable freedom to do whatever they felt like. But believers have no such freedom. Believers must exhibit the new behavior that results from God’s salvation in Christ. Our lives should be different than unbelievers’ lives, which means our parenting should be different as well. We have countless bad examples of parenting in our world. The TV provides plenty of dysfunctional models—nearly every sitcom not to mention the parenting we see on reality TV shows. The bad examples are comical and entertaining and frightfully close to home for many of us. There should be a difference in our parenting that stems from our Spirit-filled lives that imitate God’s love. That involves seeking the best for your child rather than the best for yourself. You should look out for their best interest instead of your own because you consider them as more important than yourself. That will keep you from parenting in a way that provokes unnecessary anger.
But what are some specific ways we could provoke unnecessary anger? Kent Hughes suggests that one can provoke their child to anger by being critical, overly strict, irritable, and inconsistent or by showing favoritism (48-50). MacArthur adds being overprotective, unreasonably pushing achievement, and giving harsh and abusive punishment (317-318). We’ve all either observed or heard about parenting like this. There are parents who are never satisfied, who constantly push their child to succeed and criticize them when they fail to achieve their ideal for success. There are parents who try to create the ideal child by being excessively strict and by guarding them from any possible negative experience. There are parents who always seem to be in bad moods, who lose their temper at the drop of a hat and then punish their child severely. Along with that are parents who’s decisions are so dictated by their mood that sometimes it’s ok to misbehave but at other times there’s no way to please them. The extremes are easy to spot, but in between the extremes is the danger of slipping into this behavior from time to time. Maybe you wouldn’t be identified as critical or irritable as a whole, but you do struggle with it at times. This prohibition is not saying we shouldn’t be those who are identified as constant provokers of our children. It’s telling us that we shouldn’t provoke our children at all. We need to repent when we do, and we need to apologize to our children for sinning against them.
Paul not only tells parents what they shouldn’t do, he also explains what parents should do. Following his instruction for parents not to provoke their children to anger, he instructs parents to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. At first glance, the words bring them up would seem to convey only the action of raising children without describing the manner in which it’s done. However, this wording also implies raising children in a tender, caring way. The word “nurture” might convey that idea better. This nurturing is accomplished by two actions— discipline and instruction. Both of these words have to do with education and training. The first word, discipline, is probably used in more general way to speak of training children in regard to their behavior (cf. Louw and Nida §36.10), which would involve instructing them in proper behavior and correcting them in regard to improper behavior. The second word, instruction, is the more specific term that usually conveys verbally warning or correcting someone in regard to improper behavior or belief (cf. Louw and Nida §33.231). So parents are to care for their children by training and correcting their behavior and belief, but text goes on to add one more detail. Both discipline and instruction are modified by the phrase of the Lord. What are the discipline of the Lord and the instruction of the Lord? This has to do with training and correcting behavior and belief in a way that centers on the Lord Jesus.
In order to understand this better, let’s look at what Paul has already told us in chapter 4. There he mentions that all believers have experienced the same training. Ephesians 4:20-21 says: But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus (Eph 4:20 ESV). He uses a number of educational terms here. This is more than learning facts about Christ. He’s talking about learning a person, specifically Christ. What’s the difference? Well, learning Christ involves embracing him and submitting to His authority as “Christ,” God’s chosen King (cf. Col 2:6-7 and O’Brien, 324). It isn’t simply accepting that certain facts about him are true. Learning Christ takes place first at conversion, but can’t be relegated to that time alone and abandoned later. That submission begins with conversion, but continues on forever in the life of the believer. Paul goes on to say that believers have heard Him and have been taught in Him. This clarifies what he said about learning Christ. Believers have actually heard Jesus. He calls us to Himself through the Gospel (cf. John 10:3-5, 16). We recognize our Master and King when He calls through the message of the Gospel (cf. 2 Cor. 4:6; 2 Thess. 2:14), and we’re taught the truth that he embodies. That’s what being taught in Him talks about along with the closing statement as truth is in Jesus. Truth is understood only in terms of Jesus—His person and life.
This clarifies what we’re teaching our children. We’re teaching them Jesus—how He relates to every aspect of life. We’re training, warning, and correcting our children with respect to Jesus, who is the Master and promised King. We aren’t simply training them to behave. We’re teaching them what their behavior has to do with Jesus. Yes, Christian parenting involves training and correcting behavior but not as an end in itself. Christian parenting involves raising children who understand how their behavior relates to the person who came from heaven and lived a perfect life, who taught us who God is, who died for the sins of others, and who was raised, ascended to heaven, and awaits His return as triumphant King.
So what is involved in this discipline and instruction of the Lord? We begin with our textbook. We know Jesus through His Word. That includes both the New and Old Testaments. In Luke 24, the risen Jesus appeared to two disciples. Luke tells us in verse 27, “And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself” (ESV). The Old Testament leads us to Jesus and the New Testament confronts us with the reality of Him. That’s what we teach our children. We use the content of the New and Old Testaments to teach them Jesus, not simply facts about Jesus but everything necessary for them to know Him. The Old Testament uses a myriad of instructional methods; it teaches through the interpretation of events, the institution of a covenant, the provision of a tabernacle and temple, the education of wisdom, the reflection of poets, and the declaration of prophets. As the Old Testament provides this teaching, it guides us to fully understand all that Jesus and His apostles taught. So we don’t simply teach the facts of the Old Testament, nor do we teach children as though they are members of Israel’s covenant. We teach them from the Old Testament that God is limited by nothing but His holy character, that His people should trust in His almighty power through their love and obedience, that they should repent in light of His holiness and grace and taking into account their sin, and that they should place their confidence in God’s presence and His promised Messiah. We then move into the New Testament and continue to teach them how these truths relate to Jesus—how He fully taught who God is and how we should live, how His Father appointed Him to be the object of our trust and hope, and how He provides forgiveness and God’s restored eternal presence. This is all taught in the context of their own behavior as they reveal their own personal need for grace through Jesus. Our goal isn’t to have children who know the facts about Jesus but rather that they would know Jesus, which means we’re careful in how we present this. We don’t want to confuse them with the idea that they’ve mastered this content merely by memorizing it. Memorization can be a helpful way to constantly confront them with the Savior, but it can also become confused as the end in and of itself. We don’t want our children simply to know verses or doctrine about Jesus. We want them to learn Christ—to embrace Him as their Master and Savior by submitting to the demands of the gospel, which includes repentance of their sin and trust in Him for forgiveness and eternal life.
But that leads to a second important aspect of the discipline and instruction of the Lord. It must be done by parents who have learned Christ. When Paul mentions learning Christ in Ephesians 4 it’s in the context of living differently than unbelievers. It’s stated as a contrast; he says, “But that is not the way you learned Christ” (Eph 4:20 ESV). Paul’s emphasizing the present effect of learning Christ; it involves a changed life. He goes on to explain that in terms of an old man and a new man. I’m persuaded that verses 22 and 24 describe what has already taken place in the lives of believers (cf. O’Brien, 326-334). They describe the new reality that exists for believers. Their old life has been left behind, and they now have new lives. Verse 23, describes the renewal that God has begun in believers lives, which continues to be accomplished until their glorification. Paul then turns to specific ways this should reveal itself in their lives as believers cooperate with the Spirit’s renewal (4:25-5:2; cf. Phil 2:12-13). That means that parents who are teaching their children to learn Christ must also display the effects of their learning Christ. They must display that change—the end of their old life and the beginning of a new life that’s continually being renewed by the Spirit. Raising children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord is impossible without the appropriate instructor. It doesn’t require perfect teachers just teachers who walking in that direction and leading their students to the perfect Teacher so that through His voice in the gospel they learn from Him.
The primary task of Christian parenting involves both what parents shouldn’t do and what parents should do. First, Paul tells Christian parents not to provoke unnecessary anger in their children by being critical, overly strict, overprotective, irritable, unreasonable, abusive, and inconsistent or by showing favoritism. Instead, Christian parents are to care for their children by training and correcting their behavior and belief in the context of the Lord Jesus Christ by teaching them the Old and New Testaments and by living new lives in Christ. The task is not something that can be handed off on the church. It must be carried out by parents. Trust God and do what He commands.
Works Cited
Hughes, R. Kent, Disciplines of a Godly Man (Crossway: Wheaton, IL, 2001).
Louw and Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains 2nd ed. (United Bible Societies: New York, 1989).
MacArthur, John, Ephesians, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary (Moody: Chicago, 1986).
O'Brien, Peter T., The Letter to the Ephesians, The Pillar New Testament Commentary (Eerdmans: Grand Rapids, MI, 1999).
